I have been wanting to write about this topic for awhile. So, thank you, Jennifer, for spurring me along. Just a warning, today’s post contains a few hard truths. Jennifer* (Not her real name) wrote to me confused about why she was still single. She told me she was ‘well acquainted in the art of flirting and indeed relationships in general’. She also said she gave her friends excellent advice on their relationships and told me she had no problems making herself appealing to men. She thought she was doing everything right. Her confusion is understandable! Are you like Jennifer? Are you doing everything right, but you’re still single?
If we look a bit deeper, it appears that Jennifer has created the perfect story for herself as to why she can’t find a partner. Since she felt that she was doing everything right, she decided that she wasn’t meeting anyone because she has high standards and won’t settle for ‘second best’. This is the perfect excuse because it means that she doesn’t have to take the tough step of looking inwards, and making any changes to herself or behaviour. In the story that she has created, it’s simply a case of the men (yes, all millions of them) not being good enough for her. She just has high standards, that’s all.
I hope I don’t sound too harsh, but you know sometimes Flirtology has to pull out the tough love! I have heard it repeatedly, ‘It’s not my fault. It’s everybody elses’!’ This is simply not true. And, it’s much easier to blame others than to look closely at yourself. Sanjeet*, from India, wrote to me with a similar issue. He told me that girls only look at him as a friend and it was starting to affect his confidence. But is he responsible for their attitude? Are his self-beliefs, and consequent actions, part of this? No! It’s the girls’ fault. He said that he is, ‘almost starting to hate women’. Wow! I wonder if this attitude will get more women to like him? (Dry humour, folks)
Another great example of making excuses, rather than looking inwards, is Angela*. She recently came on my flirting tours in London. She started the evening by telling everyone that there are ‘no good single men left in London’. By the end of the tour she realised that she is so focused on her online dating, that she doesn’t even notice that men exist when she is out and about in her daily life. It’s only when she sits in front of her computer screen, that she is open to meeting someone. This is why she thinks there are ‘no good single men left in London’ because she doesn’t have her eyes open to them as she lives her life.
Perhaps you have made up a story for yourself to help ease the burden of responsibility? ‘There are no good single men out there’. ‘Women are only interested in me for my money’. ‘There are way more women than men in this city’. The real reason that you are single (if you don’t want to be) isn’t any of the myriad of excuses you have come up with. It has nothing to do with external factors and has everything to do with you. Here is my challenge to you. Can you recognise any of these narratives that you have told yourself and believe? Recognising that they are not actually ‘truth’ is a very powerful step to changing. The only thing holding you back is you.