Earlier this month I filmed for the show Celebs go Dating. I taught Perri Kiely (of the dance troupe Diversity) how to flirt. Joey Essex was also there and taught me a few things that I didn’t know before. At one point during the filming, I was really worried that Joey was gunning for my job as flirting expert. The guy had swagger, what can I say?
I was brought on the show because Perri had been on 4 dates already and there had been absolutely no flirting. When I met him and Joey at the Dating Agency and asked him why, it seemed much of it had to do with how he regarded flirting itself. He told me that he hadn’t been flirting with his dates for three reasons. Perhaps you can relate:
- He wasn’t attracted to them
- He didn’t want to lead them on
- He didn’t know how
I am hoping that you can help me with an experiment using twitter. I will address the most common reason why people say they don’t flirt, from the above options. In the next 24 hours, could you please tweet @flirtology
- I don’t flirt because I am not easily attracted to people #flirting
- I don’t flirt because I don’t want to lead people on #flirting
- I don’t flirt because I don’t know how #flirting
I will answer the most commonly tweeted flirting problem in my next post. Oh, and I’ll let you know when our flirting show airs on Celebs Go Dating, sometime Mid-April.
There are several instances why people might need my help in finding a partner. Sometimes it’s because they are shy, or perhaps they can’t get over a ex and move forward, or maybe they don’t know how to read interest, or show someone they are interested. My last client had a different issue; he came to me for help after having had two, unsuccessful relationships, that left him heartbroken. You might be surprised to hear this, but he was the one doing the breaking up. Why was he so devestated then? He had invested 9-12 months in both cases, and still cared about both women. What seems to be the problem? In both cases, he had chosen to invest time, energy and emotion, into lovely women, but who were not right for him. And, as much as he enjoyed spending time with them both, eventually, the doom of his actions would set in; he would realise that this person wasn’t the one whom he could see being with ‘happily ever after’.
Still doing the same ol’ things, but expecting different results? Let me tell you about Julia.
Julia has a date. With a cute boy. Whom she likes a lot. Do you want one of those? Then do what Julia did. Or, rather, do what Julia did differently then what she would have normally done.
Julia was invited to a birthday party of a new acquaintance. Since she didn’t know anyone there, she invited Dianne to come as back-up. Unfortunately, Dianne came down with a cold, so Julia did something she had never done before…she went by herself.
Julia found a nice group of women to talk to and, normally, she would have happily stayed put all evening. But, she decided to do something else that she hadn’t ever done before; she went over and introduced herself to three guys who looked like they were having fun. As it happens, she really hit it off when one of them. She then made sure that she was sitting next to him when they all sat down for dinner, another thing she wouldn’t have normally done. Unfortunately, they lost track of each other after dinner, and she didn’t get to say good-bye. However, the signals were strong, and she had nothing to lose, so she did something else that she had never done before; she emailed the host, asking her for the guy’s details. And, she contacted him. After a couple flirty exchanges, they are meeting up next week.
2016 was the year of fear and control, exemplified by those who ended up in democratically elected political offices. This wasn’t just happening in the Western world, but all over the world. (Rodrigo Duterte, anyone?). Fear and control go hand in hand. And, in the world of politics, it’s easier to control people if they are afraid. The flirting world often brings fear because we are not in control of the outcome. This means that instead of showing genuine interest in someone, and them possibly not reciprocating, fear stops us from making a move. I don’t know about you, but I am tired of this fear/control element in my life. Are you?
I want 2017 to be different – which is why this year I am embracing empathy/acceptance – the only antidote to fear/control. Instead of never asking out the person whom you’ve always wanted to get to know better, because you can’t control the outcome and are afraid of what it might be, try this – using empathy/acceptance, ask the person you’d like to join you for a drink. You have no expectations and are not attached to the outcome, because you are not trying to control the matter. Because of this, you are not afraid and are more likely to do it. There is no fear of what their answer might be. There is only acceptance of their response and acceptance of the outcome. Empathy is also important, because it forces you to look at situation from a viewpoint that isn’t only your own.