Still doing the same ol’ things, but expecting different results? Let me tell you about Julia.
Julia has a date. With a cute boy. Whom she likes a lot. Do you want one of those? Then do what Julia did. Or, rather, do what Julia did differently then what she would have normally done.
Julia was invited to a birthday party of a new acquaintance. Since she didn’t know anyone there, she invited Dianne to come as back-up. Unfortunately, Dianne came down with a cold, so Julia did something she had never done before…she went by herself.
Julia found a nice group of women to talk to and, normally, she would have happily stayed put all evening. But, she decided to do something else that she hadn’t ever done before; she went over and introduced herself to three guys who looked like they were having fun. As it happens, she really hit it off when one of them. She then made sure that she was sitting next to him when they all sat down for dinner, another thing she wouldn’t have normally done. Unfortunately, they lost track of each other after dinner, and she didn’t get to say good-bye. However, the signals were strong, and she had nothing to lose, so she did something else that she had never done before; she emailed the host, asking her for the guy’s details. And, she contacted him. After a couple flirty exchanges, they are meeting up next week.
Why don’t we ever say anything to Shelia in accounting when she, continually, pilfers our favourite pens? Nor do we say anything to our friend Brian, when he assumes that we will pick up the tab…again? Why don’t tell our parents that we’d love for them to come and stay with us, but not for 10 days?
Why don’t we ever say anything?
It’s because we don’t have boundaries. And, we are afraid of what might happen if we lay some down. But this is a mistake, according to Brene Brown. It’s also one of the biggest misconceptions that she found in her research. While you might be thinking that if you put down some boundaries people might get upset, or even stop liking you. She found that putting down boundaries has the opposite effect. It doesn’t make people like you less or make you feel horrible. It actually increases your capacity for love and compassion.
‘The most compassionate and loving people i have met are those with firm boundaries’ – Brene Brown
What is the first thing that happens after deciding that you ‘like’ someone? Whether it’s someone whom you already know or someone you’ve just spotted, after adding the like label, does everything just become easy? With a relaxed confidence, do you stride over and immediately introduce yourself? My guess is no. What I found with my clients is that once they identify that they like someone, the next feeling is pressure…
Let’s say that, somehow, despite the added pressure, you do manage to go over and say hi. Do you find that the person’s inside is as gorgeous as their outside? Do you still ‘like’ the person, once you’ve actually had a conversation? On the other hand, has it ever happened that you didn’t initially find someone attractive, and had even written them off, but after speaking to them, your interest rose?
I started Flirtology when I was 30; this means that I have been running my business for over a decade. I have seen many changes in how people relate to Flirtology and its offerings. Twelve years ago, the Fearless Flirting tours were viewed as a ‘cool idea’ but there weren’t many punters. Now it’s a sold out event, where people feel they really need help learning these skills. This is one of the many changes that I have seen.
As people find that technology isn’t bringing them love in the way they have hoped, they are returning to the fundamentals of how to meet people, and re-learning the skills of how to be in face-to-face interactions. This is where Flirtology fits in.
Gathering from my research as a Social Anthropologist, and my long standing experience working with people in this area, I know that there are practical tips that one can execute to become a better flirt. These are learnable skills, and one doesn’t need to be born with them in order to become good at the science of flirting. However, all the tips in the world can’t help someone find love, if they don’t first address the following two questions.