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Making an Instant Connection and an Unforgettable Impression

The holiday party season will soon be in full swing, what better time of year to work on making connections with others? Use these top 5 connection tips to make sure you leave an unforgettable impression, for the right reason (a.k.a. Not because you got drunk and photocopied your naked bum on the office photocopier.)

Learn their name – All it takes is practice, and a teeny bit of effort. The ol’, ‘I’m just not good at names’ excuse, isn’t gonna’ fly. I have found that when people have motivation to learn names, i.e. they will be quizzed on them later, it certainly means they are more likely to pay attention when introduced. I was an English teacher in Japan and the knowledge that hundreds of 12 year-olds would be constantly approaching me and saying, ‘Jean Sensei, what’s my name’ certainly motivated me to try harder.
Find commonality – Commonalities take you from strangers, to old friends in no time. Commonality is one of the most important stages in helping to develop connection. It makes people think, ‘Oh, this person is like me’. Or, ‘Oh, this person gets me’. What could be more flattering than a mirror of yourself. Oh yes, you are lookin’ good!
Self-disclose – You gotta’ share something personal, or you won’t have anything to build on except air. Now, there is a fine line between personal and too personal. We don’t need to hear about bunion operations, but a nice story about your recent hiking adventure in the Himalayas sounds nice. Sel-disclosure is another way you can build commonalities. ‘Oh, you like to hike mountains, I do too!’. And thus, the mountain climbing connection can you see you through to find other connections.
Don’t stick to the script – If you ask boring questions, you get boring answers. Shake it up a bit. Instead of, ‘So, what do you do’. or ‘Where are you from?’. Why not ask, ‘How would you spend your perfect day’ or ‘What are you going to be when you grow up?’
Stay in the moment – Stop thinking, ‘When they finish, then I am going to say this’ or, try and second guess, ‘If I say x, then they are going to think y.’ Just be in that moment, with that person, for a powerful affect. You will know what to say when your turn comes. Try it and see.

Practice these top tips first hand at an upcoming Flirtology Group Flirting Tour. I will teach you how to approach and flirt without fear by arming you with top tips and techniques and a whole new way to view this flirting business. Click here to read more, and book your place today.

5 Things You Need to Know About What to do at a Party

1) Arrive early
This gives you a chance to get to know the other ‘early-comers’ in a relaxed,
and less hectic atmosphere. As other people begin to arrive, you will have the
added advantage of being able to meet more and more people.

2) Stand at the bar
Standing at the bar is the most natural way to begin chatting: ‘Gosh, how long have you been waiting here?’‘It’s so busy in here; I’d better bulk order!’ ‘Ooo, what are you drinking? I might
have to get one of those instead!’.

3) Speak to as many people as possible.
If 95%* of people are happy to speak with you, and 5% aren’t, the higher your sample size, the more positive interactions you will have. *This is the number that I have found in my research.

4) Use open body language
Face the crowd; don’t hide behind pillars or extremely tall friends. Fringe out of your face, don’t cross your arms and tuck the chunky coat away. Similarly, look for people with open body language, who are smiling, have their arms uncrossed, shoulders facing out into the room and eyes looking around. They will be easiest to engage in conversation.

5) Change your attitude
Remember this and your self-consciousness will melt away: it’s not about you,
it’s about them. Instead of ‘I hope they like me’, be totally present in that
conversation – and have no expectations. You aren’t running for office, you don’t have to ‘get people to like you’. Just have fun!

If you’d like to practice flirting amongst a crowd, we’d love for you to join us on a night out with one of our Fearless Flirting Tours of London! We will teach you how to approach and flirt without fear by arming you with even more techniques and a whole new way to view this flirting business.

To learn more, and book your place, please click here. If you’d like any further information, or would prefer to book some one-to-one coaching, please contact me today on +44 020 7118 0858 or at jean@flirtology.com.

How to Build Confidence – Part 2

Last week I shared with you the first way to build your confidence. You can read more about that here. Today, I want to share with you the second way for you to build your confidence.

From my 10+ years of coaching, I can put my finger on the number one thing that makes people low in confidence; it’s never pushing themselves out of their comfort zone. It’s a tricky thing. We think the comfort zone is good, because it’s cosy and we think we are happy there. It’s like eating a bag of crisps, or a big piece of gooey chocolate cake. You think it will make you feel good, and it might, for a few minutes. But in the long term, it will make you much worse. This is what happens when you stay in your comfort zone

How to Build Confidence – Part 1

Jenny has just broken up with her long-term boyfriend, and her confidence is at an all-time low. She has recently signed up for online dating, hoping to get her confidence back up. She even went out on her first date. She liked the guy enough, and was hoping to see him again. Unfortunately, he didn’t feel the same. How do you think Jenny’s confidence is doing now?

This post isn’t about how the monster of online dating has become even worse, and your chances of meeting someone even lower: it’s about why giving strangers the job of making you feel good about yourself, is a recipe for failure. Over the next two weeks, I will share with you two, guaranteed ways to build your confidence, without relying on others to do it for you.

The first way to build confidence is to:

Stop Dating Ghosts

Halloween is upon us. It’s sometime referred to as the ghouling season. If you are out in the flirt dating world, you can probably relate. You have probably experienced both ghosts and ghouls on your search. Today’s Flirtology dating advice is about how to avoid ghosts, those people with whom you go out with once and never hear from again. Would you like to stop the dating games and just meet someone nice?

The problem arises from your pool of dates. Where are you meeting these people?

Flirting Tour Success Story

It’s always interesting to find out how people have learnt about the Fearless Flirting Tours. The answers are always one of the following: word of mouth, they saw me in the media, or Google. My how times have changed; when I created the tours, 12 years ago, no one would have thought of googling ‘flirting courses/lessons/tours’. In fact, no one would have thought of using the word ‘Google’ as a verb.

Last week, Anne* (not her real name) came on the Flirting tour. She told me that two friends had recommended that she attend. In fact, she tells me, those same two friends met on the tour. They are now happily in love. Why am I always the last to know about these things? People, I *live* for this stuff.

Besides a gentle scolding from Flirtology, urging you all to keep me in the loop on your love lives, today’s post is examining how these two went from spending a few hours together on an evening to happy couple. In other words, how to turn a one-off meeting into a romance.

There are a few components of why this worked, so let me break it down.

How to Ask a Guy Out

Ladies, the year is 2017. We have (almost) achieved economic equality and, thus, you can ask a guy out on a date; just don’t expect him to pay. Traditionally, men did the choosing and asking, because they were also expected to do the paying. They earned more; it made sense. This isn’t applicable so much these days. This means you get to do some choosing of your own. Enough of that passively waiting in the corner rubbish. See someone whom you might like, and GO FOR IT! They will be delighted, trust me. And, if they’re not, if perhaps you’ve insulted their masculinity, then that ain’t no match for you, sista’! Go find a man who appreciates an equal.

Here are a few tips, to get you started on bagging yourself a date:

Link the date invitation to something you are discussing. If you are talking about music, you can say, ‘Hey, I’m going to see Lizard Tongues at this amazing venue in Camden. Why don’t you come with me?’
As you are concluding your conversation: ‘I’ve really enjoyed talking to you; it’s nice to meet someone who really understands (insert subject here). Would you like to continue this discussion over coffee sometime?’
If you are at your friend Robert’s party: ‘It was great meeting you. Robert and I are going to the new bar that has opened in Shoreditch next Thursday. Why don’t you join us?’
If you are talking about any mutual activity: ‘I am always looking for someone to play tennis with. When are you free?’
Give him your best smile and say, ‘This is the best conversation I’ve had in a long time. Would you like to continue it over coffee sometime?’

There you have it. How can this not work?!

If you’d like to arm yourself with some more tips and tricks for getting that all important date, book yourself a space on my “How to Flirt and Get a Date” e-course. Our step-by-step guide will show you where to stand, what to say, and how to gracefully retreat if needed. It’s everything you need to know on how to get yourself a date!

When a Stranger Rejects You

Why does rejection from a stranger hurt so much? Even the mere idea of a stranger’s rejection is enough to put off the most brazen of us.

But, the question is: why does it matter? A stranger is someone whom we don’t know. We don’t know her/his personality; perhaps s/he is a total jerk. We don’t know what is happening in their life. Perhaps they’ve just won the lottery? Or been fired from their jobs. We don’t even know their status: single, married, or ‘it’s complicated’.

So, if we go up to her/him and say: ‘That looks like an interesting drink. Would you recommend it?’, why would it matter if s/he retorts: ‘It’s called a beer. If you like beer, you might like it’. I give this example in a tongue in cheek way. But over the years of offering advice it’s become clear that many people would be upset by this flippant answer from a stranger. So again, I ask: ‘why’?

Securing a Second Date

Previously, I wrote about What not to do on a First Date. Today I will share with you 5 no-fail techniques to securing a second date.

This technique is ground breaking in its simplicity. You know that Flirtology is all about being straightforward and proactive. Using the proven theory that we like people who like us. Simply say, ‘We should do this again sometime.’ I know, it’s like mind-blowing.
Let the other person ‘invest’ in you by letting them do something for you: hold your bag, assist you with your coat, or even pay for the date. If the other person thinks you can do everything yourself, then why would you need them? People want to be nice to you…let them.
Another way to secure a second date is, throughout the first date, let it be known that you are having fun. You can show you are having fun by laughing, being engaged, or even saying, ‘I am having so much fun’. Yep, that’s right. Be straightforward, so there is no confusion.
Find as many commonalities as possible. Show the other person that you are ‘like them’; you are compatible. There is no fairer mirror than seeing yourself through someone else’s eyes. I am sure it doesn’t need to be said, but this only works if the commonalities are genuine. Trying to show someone you are like them can be an exhausting act to keep up if it’s not real.
Make sure s/he sees you as more than just a friend by using flirting techiques. If they doesn’t see you as someone whom they’d like to bed at some point, you will always be relegated to the friend category at best. Have you seen H.O.T. A.P.E. yet? (The 6 signs of attraction)

If you want to learn more about how to find dates, act on dates, and who to date, please read my new book: Flirtology: Stop Swiping, Start Talking and Find Love.

Having a Healthy Relationship

We get so wrapped up in trying to find a perfect relationship, that we forget the work involved once we are in them. This post is quite personal for me because I remind myself, daily, of the points below. I also notice that when I start slipping; taking advantage of the relationship, or not being a good version of myself, the relationship suffers. Just follow these five points and watch what happens.

Remember they are just a human, like you. They are not perfect, which means you don’t have to be either. *relief*
Don’t rely on your partner to be the source of everything. Yes, s/he is your most important relationship, but that doesn’t mean they have to be your everything. Still make time for family, friends, and yourself.
Statistically, you can not always be right and the other person wrong. Try and imagine their side of the argument and see if they can, in any way, have a point. Showing the other person that you hear them, and can understand their point of view (even if you don’t agree) is the healthiest way to ‘win’ an argument.
You can’t change a person. Acceptance is much less time and energy consuming. Try turning their ‘flaws’ into a joke. That way you can still get your point across, but in a way you both can laugh about.
Show them your best self and be amazed at the response. When we were dating, we always had our best foot forward; but once in a relationship, it’s easy for the ego to rare its ugly head and only think about our own wants and needs. Try putting your partner first and reap the rewards.

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