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Having a Healthy Relationship

We get so wrapped up in trying to find a perfect relationship, that we forget the work involved once we are in them.  This post is quite personal for me because I remind myself, daily, of the points below.  I also notice that when I start slipping; taking advantage of the relationship, or not being a good version of myself, the relationship suffers.  Just follow these five points and watch what happens.

  1. Remember they are just a human, like you. They are not perfect, which means you don’t have to be either. *relief*
  2. Don’t rely on your partner to be the source of everything. Yes, s/he is your most important relationship, but that doesn’t mean they have to be your everything. Still make time for family, friends, and yourself.
  3. Statistically, you can not always be right and the other person wrong. Try and imagine their side of the argument and see if they can, in any way, have a point. Showing the other person that you hear them, and can understand their point of view (even if you don’t agree) is the healthiest way to ‘win’ an argument.
  4. You can’t change a person. Acceptance is much less time and energy consuming. Try turning their ‘flaws’ into a joke. That way you can still get your point across, but in a way you both can laugh about.
  5. Show them your best self and be amazed at the response. When we were dating, we always had our best foot forward; but once in a relationship, it’s easy for the ego to rare its ugly head and only think about our own wants and needs. Try putting your partner first and reap the rewards.
How to Make Flirting Easier

A few weeks ago, someone from the Flirtology community wrote to me asking for advice. He wrote, ‘I would like to learn anything that will help me to feel more confident and less self-conscious and, generally, to enjoy flirting and dating more.’

I think it’s fair to say that if you are looking at this process as a part-time job, one where you ‘put in the time’ but don’t get paid, it’s no wonder that this seems like hard work! However, in answer to Ravi’s question (not his real name) I offer the following three points:

1) When are you on a date with someone the fun stops, and pressure appears, the moment you decide if this person could be ‘the one’. Whew! That is a lot of expectation for the other person and for you. Let’s just slow things down a bit and concentrate on who is going to get the last piece of pizza.

2) The trick to not feeling self-conscious whilst flirting is to not focus on yourself. Since we only have a certain amount of energy in any interactions, don’t use it on yourself! Instead put your energy into the other person. Who is this person? Are they having fun? Did you just say something that made them blush? Smile? You can only see the fun affects of flirting if you are not focused on yourself and, instead, in that moment with them. That is when the flirting gets fun!!

3) Finally, stay in the moment. Don’t fast forward 5 years ahead to your wedding. Don’t try and think, ‘What are they thinking?’, ‘What would they like me to say and do?’ Firstly, you don’t know what they are thinking. Be polite and let that person have their own thoughts without you trying to intrude. Secondly, it doesn’t matter what they would like you to do and say, because you only want to be with someone who likes you, not a fake version of someone whom you think they’d like. Besides, how do you know that they’d prefer this, made-up version, to you? This brings me to one of Flirtology’s favourite mottos. Act like yourself and you will attract those who like you!

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Change Your Flirting Techniques and See Results

Still using the same ol’ flirting techniques, but expecting different results? Let me tell you about Julia.

Julia has a date. With a cute boy. Whom she likes a lot. Do you want one of those? Then do what Julia did. Or, rather, do what Julia did differently then what she would have normally done.

Julia was invited to a birthday party of a new acquaintance. Since she didn’t know anyone there, she invited Dianne to come as back-up. Unfortunately, Dianne came down with a cold, so Julia did something she had never done before…she went by herself.

Julia found a nice group of women to talk to and, normally, she would have happily stayed put all evening. But, she decided to do something else that she hadn’t ever done before; she went over and introduced herself to three guys who looked like they were having fun. As it happens, she really hit it off when one of them. She then made sure that she was sitting next to him when they all sat down for dinner, another thing she wouldn’t have normally done. Unfortunately, they lost track of each other after dinner, and she didn’t get to say good-bye. However, the signals were strong, and she had nothing to lose, so she did something else that she had never done before; she emailed the host, asking her for the guy’s details. And, she contacted him. After a couple flirty exchanges, they are meeting up next week.

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Celebs Go Dating: Why Don’t you Flirt?

Earlier this month I filmed for the show Celebs Go Dating. I taught Perri Kiely (of the dance troupe Diversity) how to flirt. Joey Essex was also there and taught me a few things that I didn’t know before. At one point during the filming, I was really worried that Joey was gunning for my job as flirting expert. The guy had swagger, what can I say?

I was brought on the show because Perri had been on 4 dates already and there had been absolutely no flirting. When I met him and Joey at the Dating Agency and asked him why, it seemed much of it had to do with how he regarded flirting itself. He told me that he hadn’t been flirting with his dates for three reasons. Perhaps you can relate:

  1. He wasn’t attracted to them
  2. He didn’t want to lead them on
  3. He didn’t know how

I am hoping that you can help me with an experiment using twitter. I will address the most common reason why people say they don’t flirt, from the above options.  In the next 24 hours, could you please tweet @flirtology either:

  • I don’t flirt because I am not easily attracted to people #flirting
  • I don’t flirt because I don’t want to lead people on #flirting
  • I don’t flirt because I don’t know how #flirting

I will answer the most commonly tweeted flirting problem in my next post.

If you’d like a step-by-step guide to mastering the art of flirting then look no further than Flirtology – The Book! Stop swiping, start talking and find love. Order your copy today!

Valentine’s Survival Tactics

How was your Valentine’s Day? Were you feeling wistful that you didn’t have a ‘special someone’? Feeling sad that the rest of the world seemed to have people who love them, whilst you were all alone? I hope this wasn’t the case and that you weren’t feeling like this. But, if you were, let me help.

People make the mistake in thinking that if they don’t have the specific relationship – two people, who are romantically in love – then they are ‘alone’. Unless you are living on a deserted island chances are that you have other types of loving relationships. This belief that it has to take shape in the form of one person, be it a man or woman, otherwise your life is incomplete, is wrong.

It’s like when my clients tell me that they have never been in a long term relationship. I ask them if they have had friendships that have lasted over time. They all say yes. Well, there you go. They have been in long term relationships. We need to stop thinking of ‘someone special’ so unilaterally. Just because on this day, you don’t have a person to fit in a specific box, does not mean you are alone, or that no one cares about you. Have a look at the other relationships in your life; your parents, siblings, children and friends. They are important relationships that also bring love. Besides, looking for one person to fulfill all your needs is always a bad idea. You need to diversify!

However, if you do want to find a partner, I have a solution for you: Stop Swiping, Start Talking and Find Love!

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The Power of Body Language

Interactions aren’t only about what you say. Your body constantly gives away subtle hints and clues as to how you are feeling about social interactions, even when you want to hide your true feelings. If you can learn to read body language, as well as control your own, it can be a useful tool in your arsenal. Do you want to be able to see what others really think and feel about you?

There are ways to read body language effectively and become more aware of the message you are sending people. So, I guess you might be wondering how? Just follow these 4 tips.

1) Focus on the other person. This sounds obvious, but it’s not. When people are slightly out of their comfort zone they can very self conscious and worried about their own behaviour. You can’t pick up on body language cues if you’re focused on yourself. For example, when focusing on yourself, and feeling self-conscious, it’s easy to miss that subtle smile that he flashed you.

2) You’re not talking on the top of the edge of a cliff; you can look down! Look at their feet. You can only control so much of your body language and you can’t control everything at once. The further away our a body part is from the brain the harder it is to control, so it stands to reason that a quick glance down at the feet will give you some honest feedback about whether this person is interested in the conversation.  Are their  feet pointing directly towards you? Great! No? Then get them more interested with some of Flirtology’s flirting tips, or move on.

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The Balance Between Talking and Listening

I find that when it comes to conversations there are two groups of people: talkers and listeners. A talker, with self-awareness, is capable of listening. However, a talker who is feeling nervous might not have that same awareness, which means they  just keep talking and talking…

A listener is usually happy to ask a question or two, and then just sit back in cruise control mode. ‘My work here is done’ they think, as the talker just keeps going, oblivious to what the listener has orchestrated: have the other person do all the talking while they, quietly retreat behind their smiles and occasional nods. The listener ends up not sharing anything about themselves; and, quite frankly, that suits them just fine.

When flirting and creating rapport, the main goal is to make the other person feel special; it’s letting them know, ‘I get you. I know you are unique, and I like that’. Let me ask you, from the ‘talker’ and ‘listener’ situation above, do you think flirting and creating rapport can be achieved?

Whist both talker and listeners are quite comfortable in their roles, having fine-tuned them, they aren’t doing them any favours. The talkers are coming across as a self-involved bores. No one is that interesting. The listeners are hiding. Most likely they are afraid of being rejected for, what they deem, as ‘exposing’ themselves.  And, they are clever; they know that most people love talking about themselves, so they use it as a safety blanket. Fortunately, I have a trick that will help both parties.

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How to Get Someone to Like You

People get this the wrong way around. Rather than showing others their  warmth, or giving them attention, they hold back, or don’t show interest. They have a fear of being rejected. Playing it cool is never optimal. Who would you rather spend time with? Someone who laughs, listens, and is generous in their attention; or someone who is cool and distant? There is no doubt that being direct in your interest is best. Why? Because directness cancels out ambiguity. Still not convinced? Read this article that I contributed to Science of Relationships to find out why, according to science, Direct is Best.

Concern about rejection controls much of our behaviour. We will deal with techniques to change how to deal with rejection in a later lesson. In the meantime, let’s concentrate on some techniques to show people you like them. You can incorporate the body language techniques that you learnt earlier in the course. The techniques of open body language are a great start to show people you like them. But another way to show people you like them is to think S.C.O.R.E.

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Is This YOUR Year for Love?

I started Flirtology when I was 30; this means that I have been running my business for over a decade. I have seen many changes in how people relate to Flirtology and its offerings. Twelve years ago, the Fearless Flirting tours were viewed as a ‘cool idea’ but there weren’t many punters.  Now it’s a sold out event, where people feel they really need help learning these skills. This is one of the many changes that I have seen.

As people find that technology isn’t bringing them love in the way they have hoped, they  are returning to the fundamentals of how to meet people, and re-learning the skills of how to be in face-to-face interactions. This is where Flirtology fits in.

Gathering from my research as a Social Anthropologist, and my long standing experience working with people in this area, I know that there are practical tips that one can execute to become a better flirt. These are learnable skills, and one doesn’t need to be born with them in order to become good at the science of flirting. However, all the tips in the world can’t help someone find love, if they don’t first address the following two questions.

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4 Things Learned From a Former Client; Can you Relate?

Last week, I met up with a former client for a glass of wine. I say ‘former’, because she doesn’t need me anymore. And, therefore, we now get to drink wine together. We were musing over her amazing life change. Ten months ago, she came to me slightly disheveled, quite low, and had never been in love. Now, she is radiant, has lost a stone, has more male attention than she’s had in her life, has discovered a new hobby which she calls, ‘my passion’, oh, and as a bonus, is dating a wonderful man, who very possibly could be ‘the one’. So, what has she learned?

1) After having more interactions with strangers in the last 10 months, than she has in her entire life, she concluded that 95% of people are happy to have a conversation, and 5% are not. This number is so much higher than she ever thought.Read More

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