Flirtology| Everything to know about flirting & dating advice

Blog

How to Build Confidence – Part 2

Last week I shared with you the first way to build your confidence. You can read more about that here. Today, I want to share with you the second way for you to build your confidence.

From my 10+ years of coaching, I can put my finger on the number one thing that makes people low in confidence; it’s never pushing themselves out of their comfort zone. It’s a tricky thing. We think the comfort zone is good, because it’s cosy and we think we are happy there. It’s like eating a bag of crisps, or a big piece of gooey chocolate cake. You think it will make you feel good, and it might, for a few minutes. But in the long term, it will make you much worse. This is what happens when you stay in your comfort zone

How to Build Confidence – Part 1

Jenny has just broken up with her long-term boyfriend, and her confidence is at an all-time low. She has recently signed up for online dating, hoping to get her confidence back up. She even went out on her first date. She liked the guy enough, and was hoping to see him again. Unfortunately, he didn’t feel the same. How do you think Jenny’s confidence is doing now?

This post isn’t about how the monster of online dating has become even worse, and your chances of meeting someone even lower: it’s about why giving strangers the job of making you feel good about yourself, is a recipe for failure. Over the next two weeks, I will share with you two, guaranteed ways to build your confidence, without relying on others to do it for you.

The first way to build confidence is to:

Stop Dating Ghosts

Halloween is upon us. It’s sometime referred to as the ghouling season. If you are out in the flirt dating world, you can probably relate. You have probably experienced both ghosts and ghouls on your search. Today’s Flirtology dating advice is about how to avoid ghosts, those people with whom you go out with once and never hear from again. Would you like to stop the dating games and just meet someone nice?

The problem arises from your pool of dates. Where are you meeting these people?

Flirting Tour Success Story

It’s always interesting to find out how people have learnt about the Fearless Flirting Tours. The answers are always one of the following: word of mouth, they saw me in the media, or Google. My how times have changed; when I created the tours, 12 years ago, no one would have thought of googling ‘flirting courses/lessons/tours’. In fact, no one would have thought of using the word ‘Google’ as a verb.

Last week, Anne* (not her real name) came on the Flirting tour. She told me that two friends had recommended that she attend. In fact, she tells me, those same two friends met on the tour. They are now happily in love. Why am I always the last to know about these things? People, I *live* for this stuff.

Besides a gentle scolding from Flirtology, urging you all to keep me in the loop on your love lives, today’s post is examining how these two went from spending a few hours together on an evening to happy couple. In other words, how to turn a one-off meeting into a romance.

There are a few components of why this worked, so let me break it down.

How to Ask a Guy Out

Ladies, the year is 2017. We have (almost) achieved economic equality and, thus, you can ask a guy out on a date; just don’t expect him to pay. Traditionally, men did the choosing and asking, because they were also expected to do the paying. They earned more; it made sense. This isn’t applicable so much these days. This means you get to do some choosing of your own. Enough of that passively waiting in the corner rubbish. See someone whom you might like, and GO FOR IT! They will be delighted, trust me. And, if they’re not, if perhaps you’ve insulted their masculinity, then that ain’t no match for you, sista’! Go find a man who appreciates an equal.

Here are a few tips, to get you started on bagging yourself a date:

Link the date invitation to something you are discussing. If you are talking about music, you can say, ‘Hey, I’m going to see Lizard Tongues at this amazing venue in Camden. Why don’t you come with me?’
As you are concluding your conversation: ‘I’ve really enjoyed talking to you; it’s nice to meet someone who really understands (insert subject here). Would you like to continue this discussion over coffee sometime?’
If you are at your friend Robert’s party: ‘It was great meeting you. Robert and I are going to the new bar that has opened in Shoreditch next Thursday. Why don’t you join us?’
If you are talking about any mutual activity: ‘I am always looking for someone to play tennis with. When are you free?’
Give him your best smile and say, ‘This is the best conversation I’ve had in a long time. Would you like to continue it over coffee sometime?’

There you have it. How can this not work?!

If you’d like to arm yourself with some more tips and tricks for getting that all important date, book yourself a space on my “How to Flirt and Get a Date” e-course. Our step-by-step guide will show you where to stand, what to say, and how to gracefully retreat if needed. It’s everything you need to know on how to get yourself a date!

When a Stranger Rejects You

Why does rejection from a stranger hurt so much? Even the mere idea of a stranger’s rejection is enough to put off the most brazen of us.

But, the question is: why does it matter? A stranger is someone whom we don’t know. We don’t know her/his personality; perhaps s/he is a total jerk. We don’t know what is happening in their life. Perhaps they’ve just won the lottery? Or been fired from their jobs. We don’t even know their status: single, married, or ‘it’s complicated’.

So, if we go up to her/him and say: ‘That looks like an interesting drink. Would you recommend it?’, why would it matter if s/he retorts: ‘It’s called a beer. If you like beer, you might like it’. I give this example in a tongue in cheek way. But over the years of offering advice it’s become clear that many people would be upset by this flippant answer from a stranger. So again, I ask: ‘why’?

Securing a Second Date

Previously, I wrote about What not to do on a First Date. Today I will share with you 5 no-fail techniques to securing a second date.

This technique is ground breaking in its simplicity. You know that Flirtology is all about being straightforward and proactive. Using the proven theory that we like people who like us. Simply say, ‘We should do this again sometime.’ I know, it’s like mind-blowing.
Let the other person ‘invest’ in you by letting them do something for you: hold your bag, assist you with your coat, or even pay for the date. If the other person thinks you can do everything yourself, then why would you need them? People want to be nice to you…let them.
Another way to secure a second date is, throughout the first date, let it be known that you are having fun. You can show you are having fun by laughing, being engaged, or even saying, ‘I am having so much fun’. Yep, that’s right. Be straightforward, so there is no confusion.
Find as many commonalities as possible. Show the other person that you are ‘like them’; you are compatible. There is no fairer mirror than seeing yourself through someone else’s eyes. I am sure it doesn’t need to be said, but this only works if the commonalities are genuine. Trying to show someone you are like them can be an exhausting act to keep up if it’s not real.
Make sure s/he sees you as more than just a friend by using flirting techiques. If they doesn’t see you as someone whom they’d like to bed at some point, you will always be relegated to the friend category at best. Have you seen H.O.T. A.P.E. yet? (The 6 signs of attraction)

If you want to learn more about how to find dates, act on dates, and who to date, please read my new book: Flirtology: Stop Swiping, Start Talking and Find Love.

Having a Healthy Relationship

We get so wrapped up in trying to find a perfect relationship, that we forget the work involved once we are in them. This post is quite personal for me because I remind myself, daily, of the points below. I also notice that when I start slipping; taking advantage of the relationship, or not being a good version of myself, the relationship suffers. Just follow these five points and watch what happens.

Remember they are just a human, like you. They are not perfect, which means you don’t have to be either. *relief*
Don’t rely on your partner to be the source of everything. Yes, s/he is your most important relationship, but that doesn’t mean they have to be your everything. Still make time for family, friends, and yourself.
Statistically, you can not always be right and the other person wrong. Try and imagine their side of the argument and see if they can, in any way, have a point. Showing the other person that you hear them, and can understand their point of view (even if you don’t agree) is the healthiest way to ‘win’ an argument.
You can’t change a person. Acceptance is much less time and energy consuming. Try turning their ‘flaws’ into a joke. That way you can still get your point across, but in a way you both can laugh about.
Show them your best self and be amazed at the response. When we were dating, we always had our best foot forward; but once in a relationship, it’s easy for the ego to rare its ugly head and only think about our own wants and needs. Try putting your partner first and reap the rewards.

How to Make Flirting Easier

A few weeks ago, someone from the Flirtology community wrote to me asking for advice. He wrote, ‘I would like to learn anything that will help me to feel more confident and less self-conscious and, generally, to enjoy flirting and dating more.’

I think it’s fair to say that if you are looking at this process as a part-time job, one where you ‘put in the time’ but don’t get paid, it’s no wonder that this seems like hard work! However, in answer to Ravi’s question (not his real name) I offer the following three points:

1) When are you on a date with someone the fun stops, and pressure appears, the moment you decide if this person could be ‘the one’. Whew! That is a lot of expectation for the other person and for you. Let’s just slow things down a bit and concentrate on who is going to get the last piece of pizza.

2) The trick to not feeling self-conscious whilst flirting is to not focus on yourself. Since we only have a certain amount of energy in any interactions, don’t use it on yourself! Instead put your energy into the other person. Who is this person? Are they having fun? Did you just say something that made them blush? Smile? You can only see the fun affects of flirting if you are not focused on yourself and, instead, in that moment with them. That is when the flirting gets fun!!

3) Finally, stay in the moment. Don’t fast forward 5 years ahead to your wedding. Don’t try and think, ‘What are they thinking?’, ‘What would they like me to say and do?’ Firstly, you don’t know what they are thinking. Be polite and let that person have their own thoughts without you trying to intrude. Secondly, it doesn’t matter what they would like you to do and say, because you only want to be with someone who likes you, not a fake version of someone whom you think they’d like. Besides, how do you know that they’d prefer this, made-up version, to you? This brings me to one of Flirtology’s favourite mottos. Act like yourself and you will attract those who like you!

Click here to sign up to the Flirtology Newsletter and receive top flirting tips directly to your inbox.

Change Your Flirting Techniques and See Results

Still using the same ol’ flirting techniques, but expecting different results? Let me tell you about Julia.

Julia has a date. With a cute boy. Whom she likes a lot. Do you want one of those? Then do what Julia did. Or, rather, do what Julia did differently then what she would have normally done.

Julia was invited to a birthday party of a new acquaintance. Since she didn’t know anyone there, she invited Dianne to come as back-up. Unfortunately, Dianne came down with a cold, so Julia did something she had never done before…she went by herself.

Julia found a nice group of women to talk to and, normally, she would have happily stayed put all evening. But, she decided to do something else that she hadn’t ever done before; she went over and introduced herself to three guys who looked like they were having fun. As it happens, she really hit it off when one of them. She then made sure that she was sitting next to him when they all sat down for dinner, another thing she wouldn’t have normally done. Unfortunately, they lost track of each other after dinner, and she didn’t get to say good-bye. However, the signals were strong, and she had nothing to lose, so she did something else that she had never done before; she emailed the host, asking her for the guy’s details. And, she contacted him. After a couple flirty exchanges, they are meeting up next week.

1 2 345 6 7