Author Archives: Jean

About Jean

Jean Smith is the Founder of Flirtology. Holding a Masters in Social Anthropology, her approach to flirting is science based. Besides helping people become confident flirts, Jean is a regular contributor to international media, appearing on the likes of BBC and NBC. She also speaks to audiences ranging from the Royal Society of Medicine to London Business School. Topics include flirting, communication, and confidence building.

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Apr
09
Why It’s Hard to Flirt with Someone you Like

We all want to be seen. In fact, a huge part of our partner search involves finding the person who we think ‘sees’ our true selves. So why do we make this so hard? Why do we construct huge amounts of time and energy, constructing a version of ourselves, that we think is better than our true selves? We don’t just do this in our love lives – we wear masks in all areas of our lives – assuming we need them. How many times have you been on a date, trying to mold yourself into a version of what you think the person in front of you might like? The answer to the one of my most frequently asked questions, ‘Why is it harder to flirt with people whom I like?’ also stems from this; you need to be something other than you’re not in order to impress the other person.

I also have masks. One I have been wearing for awhile is of ‘expert’. You should see my reaction when someone dares to question my credibility as an anthropologist or flirting expert. Last week I was at a dinner party. The girlfriend of my husband’s friend started telling me that my research into cultural flirting was wrong. My response? Let’s just say that it wasn’t my best moment…

The reason it riles me when someone interferes with my version of my perfect self is the same reason you also wear masks and create constructs that hide your true self. We have been taught that we must be perfect because who we authentically are isn’t good enough.

So, I just wanted to share something with you. When I spot that I am playing a game where I can never win (like me trying to lose 10lbs. Why? What’s the point of this game other than to make me feel bad? Does it even mean anything?) I just stop playing the game. This is why I am stopping the ‘I am perfect’ game. In fact, I think the word perfect needs to be redefined. From now on it’s, ‘I am authentic’.  I need to be me. You need to be you. And, that’s it! Therefore, on your partner searches, no one needs to change anything. Everyone can just just be who they are. Then, when we meet people who aren’t the right partners for us, we can think ‘not a good fit for me, but perfect for someone else’.  No one is bad, good, or needs to change. Authentic is the new perfect. You heard it here first.

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Mar
12
It’s Time to Get out There

We have connectivity; what we are looking for is connection. It’s been a decade since electronics have taken over our love-lifes’, which means that enough time has passed to be able to ask ourselves the question: are they really bringing us what we are looking for?

I am not naive. I recognise that in some cases, our devices can be helpful. For example, a gay friend pointed out that he likes using apps because it’s a good filter for those who are also gay, so he doesn’t face ‘double rejection’. And, this filtering mechanism might also help to bring like-minded people together, like if they are using the same online platform that is specifically created for their interest group. However, we have given these assisters the starring roles. We have handed our love-lifes’ over to our iPhones. Whilst Siri might be competent in ordering you food or a cab, she is not a skilled matchmaker; she can’t just order you up a life partner in quite the same way.

Many of you have figured this out, which is why the Fearless Flirting Tours have gathered up such momentum in the last few years. The trick to being comfortable speaking with others is not just waiting until you find someone whom you find attractive (I assume that would be the worst time to begin, due to the nerves and all…) It’s to start making small attempts in your daily lives. Talk to your barista, your newspaper seller, smile at the lovely person on the street. Because then, when it comes to trying it out on someone who gets your heart racing, you will have had the practice; no big deal.

If you’d like to practice this, out and about, in a fun, group environment, please join us for the next flirting tour. I am off to Singapore and Bali soon to give some Flirtology talks but, but there are still 6 places left for my 30th March tour. Or, we can always look into private flirt coaching too.

Psssst – if you are in Singapore 23rd March, please join our talk: Master Interactions

Flirtology has been helping people flirt in the media this month.

 

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Feb
19
Why Don’t you Flirt?

Earlier this month I filmed for the show Celebs go Dating. I taught Perri Kiely (of the dance troupe Diversity) how to flirt. Joey Essex was also there and taught me a few things that I didn’t know before. At one point during the filming, I was really worried that Joey was gunning for my job as flirting expert. The guy had swagger, what can I say?

I was brought on the show because Perri had been on 4 dates already and there had been absolutely no flirting. When I met him and Joey at the Dating Agency and asked him why, it seemed much of it had to do with how he regarded flirting itself. He told me that he hadn’t been flirting with his dates for three reasons. Perhaps you can relate:

  1. He wasn’t attracted to them
  2. He didn’t want to lead them on
  3. He didn’t know how

I am hoping that you can help me with an experiment using twitter. I will address the most common reason why people say they don’t flirt, from the above options.  In the next 24 hours, could you please tweet @flirtology

either:

  • I don’t flirt because I am not easily attracted to people #flirting
  • I don’t flirt because I don’t want to lead people on #flirting
  • I don’t flirt because I don’t know how #flirting

I will answer the most commonly tweeted flirting problem in my next post. Oh, and I’ll let you know when our flirting show airs on Celebs Go Dating, sometime Mid-April.

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Feb
12
Finding the Right Partner – The Easy Way!

There are several instances why people might need my help in finding a partner. Sometimes it’s because they are shy, or perhaps they can’t get over a ex and move forward, or maybe they don’t know how to read interest, or show someone they are interested. My last client had a different issue; he came to me for help after having had two, unsuccessful relationships, that left him heartbroken. You might be surprised to hear this, but he was the one doing the breaking up. Why was he so devestated then? He had invested 9-12 months in both cases, and still cared about both women. What seems to be the problem? In both cases, he had chosen to invest time, energy and emotion, into lovely women, but who were not right for him. And, as much as he enjoyed spending time with them both, eventually, the doom of his actions would set in; he would realise that this person wasn’t the one whom he could see being with ‘happily ever after’.

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