We have connectivity; what we are looking for is connection. It’s been a decade since electronics have taken over our love-lifes’, which means that enough time has passed to be able to ask ourselves the question: are they really bringing us what we are looking for?
I am not naive. I recognise that in some cases, our devices can be helpful. For example, a gay friend pointed out that he likes using apps because it’s a good filter for those who are also gay, so he doesn’t face ‘double rejection’. And, this filtering mechanism might also help to bring like-minded people together, like if they are using the same online platform that is specifically created for their interest group. However, we have given these assisters the starring roles. We have handed our love-lifes’ over to our iPhones. Whilst Siri might be competent in ordering you food or a cab, she is not a skilled matchmaker; she can’t just order you up a life partner in quite the same way.
Many of you have figured this out, which is why the Fearless Flirting Tours have gathered up such momentum in the last few years. The trick to being comfortable speaking with others is not just waiting until you find someone whom you find attractive (I assume that would be the worst time to begin, due to the nerves and all…) It’s to start making small attempts in your daily lives. Talk to your barista, your newspaper seller, smile at the lovely person on the street. Because then, when it comes to trying it out on someone who gets your heart racing, you will have had the practice; no big deal.
If you’d like to practice this, out and about, in a fun, group environment, please join us for the next flirting tour. I am off to Singapore and Bali soon to give some Flirtology talks but, but there are still 6 places left for my 30th March tour. Or, we can always look into private flirt coaching too.
Psssst – if you are in Singapore 23rd March, please join our talk: Master Interactions
Flirtology has been helping people flirt in the media this month.
Earlier this month I filmed for the show Celebs go Dating. I taught Perri Kiely (of the dance troupe Diversity) how to flirt. Joey Essex was also there and taught me a few things that I didn’t know before. At one point during the filming, I was really worried that Joey was gunning for my job as flirting expert. The guy had swagger, what can I say?
I was brought on the show because Perri had been on 4 dates already and there had been absolutely no flirting. When I met him and Joey at the Dating Agency and asked him why, it seemed much of it had to do with how he regarded flirting itself. He told me that he hadn’t been flirting with his dates for three reasons. Perhaps you can relate:
- He wasn’t attracted to them
- He didn’t want to lead them on
- He didn’t know how
I am hoping that you can help me with an experiment using twitter. I will address the most common reason why people say they don’t flirt, from the above options. In the next 24 hours, could you please tweet @flirtology
- I don’t flirt because I am not easily attracted to people #flirting
- I don’t flirt because I don’t want to lead people on #flirting
- I don’t flirt because I don’t know how #flirting
I will answer the most commonly tweeted flirting problem in my next post. Oh, and I’ll let you know when our flirting show airs on Celebs Go Dating, sometime Mid-April.
There are several instances why people might need my help in finding a partner. Sometimes it’s because they are shy, or perhaps they can’t get over a ex and move forward, or maybe they don’t know how to read interest, or show someone they are interested. My last client had a different issue; he came to me for help after having had two, unsuccessful relationships, that left him heartbroken. You might be surprised to hear this, but he was the one doing the breaking up. Why was he so devestated then? He had invested 9-12 months in both cases, and still cared about both women. What seems to be the problem? In both cases, he had chosen to invest time, energy and emotion, into lovely women, but who were not right for him. And, as much as he enjoyed spending time with them both, eventually, the doom of his actions would set in; he would realise that this person wasn’t the one whom he could see being with ‘happily ever after’.
You are on a first date: how do you know if the person sitting across from you is going to be your next Mr. or Ms. Right? If you are the woman I met on Saturday night, you will make him skip. She tells me, ‘This shows that he is up for a laugh’. She then added, ‘Oh, don’t worry. I always go first to show them how’. Another woman said that if he doesn’t share his food, it’s an immediate no-go. Both of these women have good points. Who wouldn’t want a partner who was up for a laugh and shares their food? But then I think of my wonderful husband, who would, flat out refuse to do the ‘skip’ test, (although he has a wonderful sense of humour) and certainly doesn’t share his food with me (much to my annoyance). I would have missed out on a wonderful partner, if I had based our potential future relationship on these two criteria.
But these aren’t the only situations where people are using the wrong criteria to assess potential partners. One client told me that because she was assertive and confident, that the man would have to be the one to approach her otherwise, she believed, she would railroad right over him. I understand why this woman would need someone equally confident but, once again, the criteria she was using, was completely ineffective. My husband is self-assured, and certainly an equal partner for me, but would have never come up to me without knowing me or someone whom I was with. Her criteria means she is attracting the wrong guys and missing out on the right ones. There are far too many case of women making up their own yard sticks, without any merit, and using them to assess potential partners. They’re doing themselves more harm than good.